The Resistance of the Universe

The Resistance of the Universe

Moribund Devotion VI

You always say you’re sorry 

But don’t do anything to back the word

I’m not sure if you know what you want

But the universe seems to know for you

I’m tired of fighting 

the resistance of the universe

I’m beaten and broken 

Trying to make it so

There’s no chance winning going against  The resistance of the universe

You kissed me passionately

Said goodbye with someone else on your mind

Why am I playing against these odds?

When the universe is scoring i lol the game

I’m hurt from fighting

There resistance the universe

I’m beaten and broken 

Trying to make it so

There’s no chance winning going against 

The resistance of the universe

You could prove me wrong

You should know what to do

But do you have the gall?

To go against the resistance

And tell the universe and me

What is you really want?

I’m beaten and broken 

Trying to make it so

There’s no chance winning going against 

The resistance of the universe

I’ve given you time 

and opportunity 

to make a stand on this;

Or have you already spoken

and the universe is giving

this resistance in response?

If that’s so…

Then I’m done fighting 

The resistance of the universe. 

Last Birthday

Last Birthday

Moribund Devotion VII

All I’ve ever known is loneliness 

In the silence where I can hear my heartbeat 

I don’t want to anymore. 

Make it stop,  I won’t cry anymore. 

It seems like this will be 

The last birthday 

I’ll get to see

Because of life, because of you

Because the drugs, because the pain

Are all too much 

All too real to live

You would think after years of the pain

The abuse, heart ache wouldn’t hurt anymore

But just the thought will still sting

Give me peace I want a sweet release

It seems like this is will be

The last birthday

You can ignore 

Because of life, because of you

Because the drugs, because the pain

Are all too much 

All too real to live

I have lived and passed over a billion seconds in time 

But right now I can only recall the painful ones

Why do I feel like I haven’t had even a years reprieve 

Because of life, because of you

Because the drugs, because the pain

Are all too much 

All too real to live

It seems like this will be

The last birthday

I’ll suffer fools

Depleted

Depleted

Moribund Devotion, Epilogue 

I’m done with contributing to the enrichment of other peoples lives and efforts to make their day to day easier or more enjoyable.  They aren’t providing anything in return much less anything of value or substance.   Yet they gladly take anything they can from me knowing that I’m depleted not just materialistically but also physically, mentally and spiritually.   Why should I permit them to take what is non existent?  I shouldn’t have to seek out and fetch help when I’m all but drowning them in the tears I shed while screaming out a very detailed list for help.  

It must be nice to gallivant through life not having to worry about anything while people like myself carry them on our backs that are broken while trying to stay upright with two broken legs, all while they complain about the experience without any discomfort or actual inconvenience.  Even a master horticulturist grows weary of their own garden when it demands every resource but doesn’t bare any semblance of a yield. 

They will be the first to comment “he didn’t really do that much” when he dies of exhaustion; or worse, say “I never expected him to do this” when he can’t give anymore and take his life when he decides to be selfish for once in his life. 

I’m tired.  And for once in my life I think I’d rather be alone than in proximity to a vapid human being that’s taking up space and oxygen thinking their presence is somehow enhancing when in fact they are creating a vacuum that consumes the last microscopic bits of will to live that’s keeping me going, so far depleted I don’t even comprehend it’s existence.

Yet, because I’m such a people pleaser I can’t help but withhold these feelings from them because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, and will exhaust the last joule of energy that I possess to preserve their feelings. 

But soon, well preserved feelings will be wounded.  I will be alone in a grave darkness. There will be memorials that are attended by dumbfounded individuals who dug the graves.  Gardens will be abandoned as the world acknowledges its soul when it’s no longer there.  Then, people will look out for that familiar helping hand, maybe never realizing what happened; other than it’s no longer there. 

Caffeine and Nicotine

 

I look back at my day and wonder how I’m still standing here

Surely by now I’d be torn apart just adrift in a storm

The bits of me I still recognize feel insignificant 

To just about anyone I know and that’s including me

I marvel at my current actual existence right now 

I find myself held together by caffeine and nicotine

That’s all it can be

There’s nothing left of what I’ve consumed 

Nothing from a helping hand or offering plate 

To sustain my body, or mind or spirit

It’s all I can do to structure thought 

Much less speech or movement to breathe

But here I am

Out of breath but breathing 

With nothing left that isn’t thread bare

Still expected to be strong despite it all

But in my mind I’m disconnecting 

I look back at my day and wonder how I’m still standing here

Surely by now I’d be torn apart just adrift in a storm

The bits of me I still recognize feel insignificant 

To just about anyone I know and that’s including me

I marvel at my current actual existence right now 

I find myself held together by caffeine and nicotine

That’s all there is

An instinct to keep moving onward

Even if it’s just kinetic energy now

From the years gone by when I rush through my life

When I didn’t know, I feel like this, and not understand this weakness

So I exist

Without the wheel to be

Went down to something less than myself

Questioned why I could ever let myself go

Not understanding the sights or sounds

I look back at my day and wonder how I’m still standing here

Surely by now I’d be torn apart just adrift in a storm

The bits of me I still recognize feel insignificant 

To just about anyone I know and that’s including me

I marvel at my current actual existence right now 

I find myself held together by caffeine and nicotine

When It’s Done

When It’s Done

Moribund Devotion III

I’ve all but written it on the wall

But you still don’t seem to understand

I don’t know what else can make you see 

Just how I feel for you 

But it doesn’t matter because just as fast as I fell for you, I’m already falling out 

When it’s done, I won’t care about your day 

When it’s done your hopes and dreams won’t matter 

When it’s done, your thought will bring me no joy 

When it’s done, there will be no going back 

Maybe it’s good you’re missing it 

This could be a show of idiocy

And I’ve got more value than you’re worth 

or I’m better without 

I don’t know why I waste my time; this will be the last words I write of these feelings about you 

When it’s done no more crying in the rain 

When it’s done, I won’t remember the pain 

When it’s done you won’t fill a daily thought

When it’s done you want exist in my space

You read me my horoscope telling me how fast I fall in love, and how quickly it fades away. Did you know when you were saying those words you’d see them through start to end?

When it’s done I will still be okay and

When it’s done you just won’t matter to me

When it’s done it will be more wasted time 

And I’ve wasted time on better and worse 

But is it fair to begin the end of everything that we are, at least to me, when you don’t know just how I feel if I don’t say those raw three words; I love you