Unnecessarily

Unnecessarily

I fought to keep us from ending,

certain the collapse

would shatter

what was left of me.

Instead—

silence.

A peace I haven’t known

since knowing you.

Was our love real,

or just a byproduct

of your mimicry

in the light?

Lately you can find me

curled in confusion,

reeling from what just happened

or what might.

I never thought I’d come so close to death.

I tasted it. Twice.

Like the base of your neck—

scentless.

Like the part in your eyes

that never sparked.

If there was love in you—

for me, for anyone—

it lived only as potential.

I sit awake, lights blazing.

I am afraid of myself.

Gaslit enough

to doubt even my own name.

If you told me I was Mitchell Rodney,

would I believe you?

I wanted warning signs.

I saw them.

I didn’t understand them.

A man at midlife

without relations of any kind—

should have been enough.

I’ve learned my life

was at least half a lie.

The pictures only partially true.

And I am not innocent.

I am, too—

an incomplete collection

of painful venom,

unnecessarily.

An Incomplete Collection

I've been fighting to keep this relationship coming to a hault

Fearing an impending chaos too much for my already fracturing psyche 

But all I'm finding at our end is unexpected calming silence

Peace I haven't known since knowing you

Was our love ever real

Or are my feelings just a byproduct 

Of you sociopathic mimicry

To function out in the light

There is one way lately you can always find me

Curled up in confusion,

Reeling either things just happened 

Or anticipating what is next

I never thought I'd ever come so close to death

I could taste it twice

It's like the scent at the base of your neck 

Absent of anything just like the part in your eyes that should sparkle

If there was ever love in your heart for me

Or anyone like you claim

It's really amazing your potential

The amazing things, beyond your wants and needs

Like love or whatever you could dream

But sadly, like my recent ramblings 

Just an incomplete collection of painful venom unnecessarily 

I sit up these nights too late

Every light on, all very bright

I'm scared for myself

I've been gaslight by each significant love in my life expottentially 

I can't trust any word to be true and genuine 

Even a truth like my name so unquestionable

Would I believe you or spiral in uncertainty if you told me my name was Mitchell Rodney

I always wished people came with warning signs

Turns out I just couldn't process what I was looking at

Any man surviving to the midlife point without any significant relations

That's everything I needed to know to stay away 

I obnoxiously promote that through my time with you,

I've learned the life I lived was a least half a lie

My pretty pictures I sold only partially accurate. 

At least I learned and accept I'm just like you 

An Incomplete Collection of Painful Venom Unnecessarily 

Love Knows No

 

I can’t deny I’ll never stop loving you 

It’s impossible it’s from my soul

But how can I allow myself to be hurt 

By your cold and reckless affection 

It’s a love that knows no return

No mutual exchange (lonely)

No enriching touch (empty)

No middle ground (jaded)

No reason to try (so why)

I keep asking to be proven wrong 

I keep waiting to see a change 

You say why should you when I’m not

But how can I when I’ve nothing left

I keep still, not running away 

I keep getting the same result, insane 

Maybe I just don’t understand 

How love is suppose to feel

And think I’ve given more than I have 

Maybe I’m foolish, I probably am

I don’t want to talk and hear the same thing 

That its all my fault over and over again

How things I didn’t do made you feel some way

That gives you the right to whatever you like 

I just want you intricately intimately 

You rather be anywhere but just with me

When we’re alone you’re looking away

For an escape for a distraction from me

How much distance from your soul

Can this love survive as it is 

Cutting it off from what it needs 

Does it grow back or wither lonely 

Is that what you want to see

Is that what I need to know 

If a love knows no

End or hope